How to Tell the Difference Between Swine Flu, Seasonal Flu, and Glenn Beck

"Seasonal flu symptoms consist of fever, painful body aches, dry cough, and fatigue. Swine flu brings all those symptoms plus an obsessive desire to oink. Glenn Beck causes anger, resentment, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and weeping followed by hysterical laughter and, in extreme cases, attendance at tea party rallies."